Learning to Relax and Live a More Regenerative Life
Rochester Business Journal by Abigail McHugh-Grifa
July 14, 2023
It is disturbingly hard for me to slow down and relax these days. I feel like every minute of my time needs to be used productively and efficiently, but that approach to life is clearly taking a toll on my mental and physical health.
I wasn’t always this way. I fondly remember the days when lying around reading for hours felt normal (rather than impossible, or at best guilt-inducing). I had plenty of time for hanging out with friends and loved ones, just for fun (instead of in a rushed or goal-oriented way). I also got a lot more exercise and spent more time outside, simply because I enjoyed it (not because it was good for me). Of course I worked hard too, and accomplished some noteworthy things, but work didn’t leave me feeling overwhelmed or drained.
That all changed when I (1) had kids and (2) began to understand the seriousness of the climate crisis, which occurred at basically the same time. As soon as my first son was born, I felt an urgent need to protect him by doing everything I could to shift our world away from the extractive, fossil-fuel based economy, toward a more regenerative economy (though I didn’t start using those terms until many years later).
This (gradually) led me to a major career shift, from teaching and making music to leading a climate-focused nonprofit organization. In other words, I was in my late 30s when I “got a real job” and entered “the business world” for the first time. That definitely shifted my work-life balance and relationship with work, though it took me a while to realize how it (negatively) impacted my wellbeing.
I love my job in many ways. It provides ample opportunities to meet interesting people and learn new things, and it’s a privilege to be able to dedicate my time and energy to a cause that I’m passionate about. That said, I don’t like staring at my computer and sitting in meetings all day, and since there’s always more work to do than I can possibly get done, I work more hours than I should and continually feel like I’m falling behind and/or rushing. Even when I’m not technically working, I’m usually thinking about work, often while making dinner, doing laundry, or trying to sleep, so real down time is hard to come by.
I managed this lifestyle well enough until the pandemic added virtual school support to my list of responsibilities (for almost a year and a half), leaving me exhausted, short-tempered, and plagued with physical aches and pains. Efficiency and productivity became essential survival strategies, allowing me to keep my head just above the overwhelming flood of to-dos. The pace was simply unsustainable, and though I didn’t completely burn out, I definitely reached my limit and realized that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing without serious long-term consequences. This also happened to coincide with my introduction to regenerative economics and burgeoning understanding of how the extractive economy harms both people and the planet, which helped me (1) see my personal situation in terms of larger systemic issues and (2) begin to identify the toxic cultural norms and mental models that fueled my workaholism and perfectionism (e.g., how we think about value, success, and professionalism).
Knowing that something had to change, I started to consider what it would look like to live a more balanced, regenerative life. Though I was sure that rest, pleasure, fun, and joy should be part of that (since positive experiences and emotions are energizing and renewing), I had seemingly forgotten how to chill out and have a good time. Though there’s more to regeneration than relaxing, I think Albert Einstein was correct to say that “we can't solve today's problems with the mentality that created them,” so I committed to overcoming the cultural conditioning that drives me to work compulsively and feel guilty about resting. Almost a year later, I’ve at least partially rediscovered my inner cool, but it turns out that the recipe for deep relaxation and mental ease (at this stage in life) is surprisingly complex. Here’s the long list of ingredients that I believe are necessary:
Acknowledge that you need and want rest, and continually remind yourself that this is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn’t mean you’re weak or lazy.
Accept that your time and energy are finite, so you can’t do everything that you want to do.
Make intentional choices about what you will do, based on clearly defined values and goals.
Refuse to do anything that is out of alignment with your values and goals, because if you do, you’ll (consciously or unconsciously) feel conflicted, anxious, and/or ashamed of yourself.
Develop good systems for making plans and tracking information, ideas, and to-dos, so you don’t have to worry about forgetting anything important and can keep your long-term goals and day-to-day actions aligned. (David Allen’s book, Getting Things Done, helped me with this.)
While using your plans and goals as a compass to guide you in the right direction, give yourself some freedom to improvise how you get there.
If you notice that you’re feeling anxious or conflicted, pause briefly to check if your behavior in that moment matches your intention for that moment.
Clearly define some rules and boundaries for yourself that you are committed to upholding because they align with your values, and then consciously let go of all the dumb, out-dated rules and cultural norms that prevent you from feeling free and comfortable in your skin.
Be realistic about how long it will take you to do something well, and then allocate at least that much time to the task.
Resist the temptation and pressure to rush, because rushing leads to poor decisions and stupid mistakes, while doing your best work and enjoying yourself takes time.
Practice savoring experiences by focusing on sensory inputs (e.g., really tasting your food).
Learn to breathe properly (possibly with help from James Nestor’s book, Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art).
Identify what stress-relieving tools and supports you have available and how you want to use them. Be sure to distinguish between self-soothing strategies and real/effective self-care strategies, and avoid relying too heavily on self-soothing strategies that can be harmful if overused/abused (e.g., drugs and alcohol).
Pay attention to what your body needs and don’t wait too long before meeting those needs (i.e., eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, etc.)
On a daily basis, loosen and strengthen your body in whatever way feels good to you.
Spend time outdoors and find ways to meaningfully connect with the Earth (e.g., gardening).
Spend time (ideally in person) with people who are kind, caring, and fun to be around.
Commit to some kind of contemplative or spiritual practice (e.g., loving-kindness meditation), even if you’re not a particularly contemplative or spiritual person.
Dance, sing, and be playful, in public and in private, to practice taking yourself less seriously.
In addition to cultivating work-life balance, consider if better work-life integration might make sense for you (i.e., letting your roles and responsibilities flow together in seamless, frictionless ways, so they can augment each other instead of competing with each other).
Honestly assess your skills and expertise to determine when you can fully trust yourself to make informed decisions and when you need outside advice and guidance. Since you can’t possibly know everything, there’s no shame in seeking help when needed. But when you truly know what you’re doing, let go of the self-doubt and enjoy that wonderful feeling of competence!
Identify when, how, and why your energy ebbs and flows throughout the day, and then find ways to accommodate those rhythms.
Schedule times for yourself to relax; actually put them in your calendar.
If you need to get something off your chest, just do it and then move on.
Advocate for changing systems that lead to unnecessary stress and unhealthy work-life balance for everyone in your workplace or community.
Remember that work can also be deeply relaxing and pleasurable, if it’s work that you love.
Though I’m delighted to be living a (somewhat) more relaxed life these days, it’s important to note that I don’t want to be relaxed all the time and wouldn’t wish that for anyone else either. There are terrible things happening in the world that we should work hard and use our energy (strategically, productively, and efficiently) to address. If someone feels calm and serene all the time, they are either not paying attention or have become numb to others’ suffering. So on the spectrum between mellow and high strung, some people (like me) should probably simmer down, whereas other people may benefit from increasing their level of activity and engagement. Either way, striving for a healthy balance in how we expend and restore our personal energy is a key step we can all take to support the transition to a more regenerative future.