I want to be a kind and responsible adult, but what does that actually mean?
Rochester Business Journal by Abigail McHugh-Grifa
July 16, 2024
Several months ago, it dawned on me that although I sincerely want to be kind and responsible, I wasn’t totally clear on how to operationalize that, so I started asking my friends, family members, neighbors, colleagues, and some random acquaintances, “What does it mean to be a kind and responsible adult in 2024?” This column is a synthesis of what I learned from those conversations.
My research methods were not scientifically rigorous (e.g., in one case I took notes on a bar napkin), but several clear themes emerged from what I heard, and my pool of 25-plus interviewees was fairly diverse, at least in terms of their race and age. Some people gave very clear, concrete answers (e.g., vote, say please and thank you, learn about history, eat a mostly plant-based diet), while others responded in more esoteric terms (e.g., “start from a place of care instead of fear,” “connect to your landscape and embrace the fact that you are part of nature”). I didn’t think to ask people in advance if they were willing to be quoted directly and identified by name in this column, so the quotes are not attributed to specific individuals.
I agreed with almost everything I heard, and there were very few contradictions in what people said, with two noteworthy exceptions: (1) one person said that responsible people must pay their taxes, while another said that it’s irresponsible to pay your taxes, if those taxes will support government activities that cause harm, and (2) an able-bodied young man expressed his belief that everyone should learn how to meet their own basic needs, instead of relying on government services, which didn’t align with what other people said about providing extra resources and support to those who need it. However, someone said, “We should insist on a better social safety net AND learn how to take care of ourselves,” so these approaches aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
With those caveats out of the way, here are the key learnings that I am taking away from this process:
Being kind and responsible is a practice and a choice, rather than a fixed identity. Every day, we have many opportunities to be kind and responsible — or not — and when we inevitably fail to live up to our ideals, we can always try again, and again, and again… When we’re at our best, we choose to do the kind and responsible thing even when (1) it’s difficult or socially uncomfortable, (2) we’d rather be doing something else, and/or (3) we won’t benefit from it directly. So we should “let go of the need for perfection, but continually try to do better.”
Being kind and responsible also means “respecting everyone’s fundamental humanity” and “seeing people as people, without labels,” because “there’s no such thing as good people and bad people.” So instead of judging, we should “stay curious and seek to understand,” “embrace our differences,” and “assume that everyone is doing the best they can.”
I heard many variations of the idea that it’s important to “leave things better than you found them” and “clean up your messes,” both literally and figuratively. This requires becoming aware of the things you do that cause harm and making the choice to stop doing them. It also requires an assessment of what you can realistically influence/accomplish and how you can most effectively use your skills and resources to make a positive difference. Since you can’t do everything that needs to get done, the ideal scenario is to focus on making the world a better place through activities that you both enjoy and do well.
Similarly, people had a lot to say about the need for self-care and “putting your own oxygen mask on first.” This is important because “hurt people hurt people” and we’re all less than our best when we’re tired, hungry, or sick. Investing in your own health and wellbeing makes it possible to show up fully for others, so kind and responsible adults use physical and mental health support services, seek out healthy human connection and relationships, and take care of their bodies through exercise, rest and healthy food. They also “recognize when [they] have reached their limit and need to step back.”
Treating people with kindness, compassion and respect, even when you disagree, was another important theme. This largely has to do with how we communicate, both in person and online. For example, it’s important to “think before you speak,” “use your filter appropriately” (especially when making jokes), and “call out problematic ideas and behaviors, without demonizing individual people or groups of people.” When sharing expectations, boundaries, instructions or feedback, “clear is kind.” Lying is almost never kind or responsible. Listening to a wide range of voices, accepting other people’s perspectives, and recognizing that “you don’t have a monopoly on truth” are all essential for respectful communication. We also need to talk about things that are important, even if they are uncomfortable or difficult to talk about.
Along those same lines, kind and responsible adults “decipher fact from fiction,” “read past the headlines,” and aim to be aware of current events. They are thoughtful and intentional about how they use technology and media, and they “recognize, respect, and heed true expertise.” They also “embrace complexity and nuance,” “reject absolutist stances,” and “peel away the layers of the onion.” So in other words, media literacy and critical thinking are important.
People also had a lot to say about helping and caring for others. One person described this as “having a sense of responsibility for all things [your] life touches, including children, partners, friends, family, possessions, land, community, wellness, profession, and the future.” Going out of your way to help others and being willing to extend yourself for others was identified as an important marker of kind and responsible adults, though how much help/care a person can offer depends on their means and circumstances. One interviewee also recommended that people who aspire to be kind and responsible should get some basic disaster preparedness and emergency response training, and then be willing to step up and use those skills when help is needed.
Kind and responsible adults adhere to basic health and safety rules/best practices, such as not driving while intoxicated, washing their hands, and having safe sex, to protect themselves and others from harm.
They invest time, energy and money in repairing, protecting, preserving and/or stewarding the natural world.
And they “recognize and acknowledge [their] own privilege,” “use their power, privilege, and resources strategically and ethically to advance equity and the common good,” “interrupt oppression when [they] see it,” “push back against injustice,” and “persistently work to change systems and institutions that are causing harm.”
Lastly, I heard a lot about boundaries and accountability. The specific recommendations included (1) setting clear boundaries and respecting other people’s boundaries, (2) being able to admit when you are wrong, (3) being willing to apologize, (4) “owning the good and the bad,” and (5) being willing to “speak up when things don’t align.”
In my final few interviews, I started asking people if there were any ideas about what it means to be kind and responsible that they were taught while growing up, or that our culture promotes, that they don’t actually believe or endorse. I wish I’d thought to ask this question sooner, because it sparked some interesting conversations about recreational drug use, “professionalism,” consensual non-monogamy, and the joy of engaging in some forms of “childish behavior,” which I would have liked to explore more deeply. Nevertheless, two important takeaways came out of these conversations: (1) kind and responsible adults can/should question how they’ve been socialized, and (2) it’s OK to have vices, so long as you pursue them in a responsible, ethical and moderate way to avoid causing harm.
The process of having these conversations and synthesizing what people said was an incredibly valuable exercise for me, because it provided the opportunity to explicitly define how to be the person I want to be, so I can approach my day-to-day life with more intentionality. For example, having people who I respect and admire tell me that responsible adults prioritize self-care has allowed me to carve out more time for myself without feeling guilty about it. In addition, beginning to think of kindness and responsibility as daily practices, rather than fixed identities, has softened my tendency to be judgmental, both toward myself and others, by making it easier to move on from small missteps.
Perhaps this is naive to say, but I believe that most people want to be kind and responsible and want to be seen as kind and responsible. Cultural forces often make it hard to live up to that ideal, but when we have a clearer sense of what kindness and responsibility look like in practice, it’s easier to intentionally choose that path. As one of my interviewees pointed out, a lot of this goes back to what we learned in kindergarten (e.g., sharing, tolerance, using our words instead of fists to solve problems), but the process of becoming kind and responsible adults surely requires us to develop and refine these basic skills throughout our lives.
Thank you to everyone who contributed to creating this column.